when does the time come when its mine? when do I get to feel it and be it and love it? why is it always anothers when i love so hard? stopping, its all i can do to smother my inner pain. I fake it well, yes, I am happy, yes things are great, why does my heart hurt so bad if i feel so fine? there is something in me that is telling me to stay and something in me that is making my staying hurt. why cant i control it? i hate not being in control of things, I am me, I am in control, but this outweighs anything I have ever known. It's all suffocating me right now and i dont know where to turn, who to tell, what to do...everyday it's the same pain...why won't it stop. ill go numb...freeze my emotions and pain by blanking it out....act once again like I am fine, deal with it, hide it, kill it, anything to make me stay afloat...anything to make my mind wander away from it for just a split second of non confusion...