venting

As I sit here, once again, crying to myself while doing comps I wonder why I am where I am. I wonder about other paths I had in my life I decided to not go down. Would I have been happier? Would I be getting paid? Would I be crying? I cant answer these questions, but I can't stop thinking about them. It can't be healthy for someone to feel constant sadness and as lonely as I feel, can it? Sometimes I tell myself I can quit and things will turn out ok, but then I tell myself I need to make something out of what I have devoted the last 2 years of my life to because you never know when you will be taking care of yourself. I just wish I didn't care about people and emotions so much. I really think I might be a happier person if I didn't care about people so much because caring about people and what they say or do or where they are....and worst of all where they arent and what they dont say or do, seems to really affect my life. There are times when I just decide to curl up and not do anything for hours on end and just cry or zone out to try and not feel my loneliness...and I think this is pathetic. I feel I am quite pathetic at times letting things like this affect me, but I can't stop it. I can act like some things don't bother me, and quite frankly most things don't, but deep down inside a lot of stuff is sitting there waiting to come out in tears and when they start flowing, they don't stop. I hate the fact that I have no one to talk to. I can't call anyone by the time I have a break down because its past 1030 and most of my friends are asleep, my parents would just freak out, and J is usually out...plus I lean on him too much. I think so myself, if I just decided NOT to make any friends anymore, would it be easier leaving so much? I mean I get sad seeing names on my Ichat list for petes sake!

ok, this helps...I read back and see how dumb half of it sounds, but its self medication, so I deal with it. back to hybridcenter.org...yay One Show, blah.